Inevitably when the expression ‘friends with benefits’ comes up it’s associated with people between the age of when they first become sexually active and marry. It refers to the practice of males and females who are not dating, or in a monogamous relationship, but who are friends and socialise together or as part of an established group, to pair off for sex whenever they both feel so inclined.
There are no expectations of an ongoing sexual relationship, and the nature of the friendship doesn’t change. The practice is common among groups of young people who initially formed their friendships at school, and who continue pursuing activities as a group into their latter teens and twenties. They might go to parties together, go away for weekends, or travel overseas.
They know each other well, care for each other as friends, and enjoy each other’s company. They have become accustomed to doing things together. It seems natural that as they start becoming sexually active, it is among themselves. More steady pairing-off might occur among those who want sexual contact to occur only within an exclusive arrangement.
The company of a similar age male, ranging from a university ball to overseas travel, can be an attractive option, even indispensable, for a female friend. If each party has a similar moral outlook and attitude to their friendship, sharing a bed can be an appealing add-on to both parties.
Looked at objectively, the practice can make a lot of sense. But of course not everyone in such situations will always look at them objectively, and there can be a risk that one party might begin wanting something out of the friendship the other doesn’t want, and isn’t prepared to give. Yet this is just part of everyday life for young adults, as their friendships develop and mature, or new ones commence, and they navigate the ups and downs of moving into and through adulthood.
If the concept and practice of ‘friends with benefits’ can work for young adults, a valid question can be, what about it working for older adults, in their 60s, 70s and beyond? Baby boomers not in a steady relationship enjoy sex as much as anyone else, and like their younger single counterparts are likely to have one or more unattached friends of the opposite sex.
As also with young adults, single boomers might need or prefer a companion for certain activities, similarly ranging from a meal or party, to an overseas trip. If both parties have a similar inclination for intimacy, this can be a real bonus. But for these kinds of casual sexual hook-ups to be successful, there must be a mutual understanding that they do not of themselves imply or mean either party is seeking to change the nature of the friendship, such as to commence a live-in arrangement.
One potential problem with the commencement of a sexual liaison at an older age is the expectations this might raise, such as moving in the direction of marriage. Openness and honesty are essential to ensure each party’s expectations about the future are in tandem. With this kind of understanding, two good friends can take that extra step to achieve the additional pleasure of intimate contact, including sexual if both parties are willing and able.
Baby boomers have shown an inclination for independence, not uncommonly women more than men, and can be comfortable living on their own. But that doesn’t and shouldn’t mean they become monastic.
Sally and Brandon have known each other since their late teens. They never dated then, but were part of a group of about a dozen, females and males, who would go to dances together, and just hang out at one or another’s home. Early on Sally set her heart on marrying James, who was equally keen on her. They duly married and raised four children, never straying from the marital bed.
To the great distress of Sally, a genuine one-man woman, James died aged sixty two, far too young. Brandon had drifted away from the group after graduating from university, and only re-established contact with the couple when James became ill, a year prior to his death.
Brandon had worked very hard through his twenties and into mid-thirties, at which point he uprooted himself and went to live in West Berlin, building on his high school German to become fluent in the language. He lived there continuously, witnessing first-hand the dismantling of the wall, and adding to his previous business success. He was married to a German woman for about a decade, fathering one child, a girl, who became a leading fashion model.
He became completely estranged from the girl’s mother, but retained contact with their daughter, and during the five years since his return to Australia has returned to Germany each year to see her, and her own blue-eyed blond-haired family. He is now completely out of the workforce, fully occupied with a range of interests.
On the occasions he visited James and Sally during James’s final year, Sally found him a most interesting person, as well as being warm, sincere and understanding. She knew nothing of his private life, but at the funeral asked him to maintain contact
Brandon waited three months to do so, and from then would contact her every couple of months, to arrange a morning coffee or lunch. They found they could have very lengthy discussions, which Sally said she much enjoyed and appreciated. A pleasant, entirely platonic friendship was developing between a widow who had only ever wanted to live with one particular man, and a single man who clearly loved female company, and appeared to seek nothing more from a woman than that.
Sally had no clear idea if Brandon was in a relationship or not, and hence whether he was regularly enjoying intimacy. He never spoke of anyone, and comments he’d made seemed to at least indicate he wasn’t seeking to pair up, so she just assumed he was fully single.
The reality was that Brandon had pretty much given up on pursuing any kind of relationship with women. He would be a good catch: well off, in good shape physically, and possessing a range of attractive personality traits. But he had no interest in a close ongoing exclusive relationship, and wasn’t the type to lead a woman on by getting what he could then bailing out when a more serious commitment would be expected. That had been his practice for about a decade after his separation and divorce, and looking back he didn’t like what he saw.
Yet occasional intimacy in an entirely mutually understanding arrangement, with someone he liked and enjoyed being with, was a different matter. He sometimes wondered what Sally’s thoughts on the subject were, as she was the only person he knew with whom he would consider this. Not long after she became a widow he heard her mention she could never envisage a replacement for James, but logically this thinking could change over the years, of which by this time four had passed. On a more recent occasion she’d noted how she missed the physical closeness of James at night.
A change to their non-intimacy status occurred unexpectedly. Brandon invited Sally to accompany him on a train trip to a regional city to view an exhibition at the public art gallery, intended as a day trip only. They stayed longer than expected and decided to have dinner there, in a grand old hotel. Over dessert, with a slightly embarrassed look on her face, Sally asked if Brandon would be interested in staying the night together. He readily agreed.
Sally thought of Brandon as a sincere, caring friend whose company she enjoyed. She still had no idea if he had any intimacy in his life, but felt sure he would enjoy some cuddling and anything else that might develop. There was no-one else she would have contemplated this with.
For Brandon the night was most welcome – fortunately spent in a king-size bed, as anything smaller would be too cramped for his liking. They spoke about it on the way home and decided it shouldn’t be a one-off, especially if it could be combined with another activity, such as a regional train trip.
It had seemed natural for two people who liked and cared for each other, had a complete meeting of the minds on the nature of their relationship now and going forward, and weren’t self-conscious about their ageing bodies, would take the opportunity to give pleasure to each other – time was running out, chances of fun and happiness should be grasped with gusto.
© Copyright 2018 SJ Peterson